I’ve been reading a good book “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. It’s based on her years and years of research on topics like shame and joy and vulnerability. My only disappointment with the book is it doesn’t appear to have been written from a Christian perspective. Which, I completely understand that it’s possible Ms. Brown is a person of faith and yet doesn’t want to offend anyone with her faith, or the publisher didn’t want to offend anyone. Or, perhaps faith comes into later chapters. Either way, I’m nearly halfway through it and have yet to see a mention of God.
Why is that significant? Because, although I haven’t studied thousands of people like Ms. Brown has, I consider myself to be something of a shame expert. After all, I live with it, even today, as I expect most of us victims of child/teenage sexual abuse do. And, I believe that God is perhaps the only One who can help me heal from shame. Not guilt, but shame. In the book, she defines guilt as a feeling over our actions and shame as a feeling about oneself (What I did was terrible versus what I am is terrible). Guilt can be an emotion to drive us to change our behavior and can be used positively. Shame only brings negative emotions because its an emotion based on our opinion of ourself and who or what we are.
I was twelve when my dad started doing and saying things to me that he shouldn’t have. I wasn’t capable of making adult decisions, and like most twelve year old little girls, I hero-worshipped my dad. If he told me that I could help him, then that’s exactly what I wanted to do – even though deep inside I knew there was something not right about it since we had to keep it a secret. Even today, I carry a sense of shame, even though it’s not logical, and I was just a child, and I KNOW all of that. But, it’s still there. Knowing and feeling are two different things.
When fighting this battle, it’s important to admit our feelings and acknowledge them and then we can begin to heal. Because I can say, “Yes, there is a sense of shame,” then I can acknowledge that feeling and reason out why I should not feel that way. And, then, I have ammunition when that little voice in my head wants to tell me I don’t deserve happiness today because I’m a terrible person who did terrible things. I find it difficult even today to hand someone a bookmark when I introduce myself – I don’t really want them to learn “my story” and I fight the feeling of not wanting to be known as a victim of abuse.
Shame is a funny thing – it gets stronger when we don’t acknowledge it and holds more power over us simply because we don’t want to admit it.
If I feel shame about who or what I am, then I can only heal from that if I change who or what I am. And, it’s something I struggle with even with God’s help – I can’t imagine doing it alone. The salvation offered to us through Jesus is the only way to completely change who and what we are inside because He offers us redemption that we cannot find anywhere else. I didn’t start this blog to write about Jesus, but as I mentioned, I can’t imagine fighting a shame battle without Him. I take comfort in Phillipians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
All things. Not just the easy things or the simple things. All things. I love
to talk about the choices we make every day and how they will define us tomorrow. So, today, and maybe tomorrow too if need be, I choose to accept me for who I am and realize that God created me. I’m not perfect, but I’m His and with that comes forgiveness, redemption and perfect peace, knowing that God knows who and what I am, and He still loves me – so I should too.
Ria is a motivational speaker and certified executive coach with a passion for empowering others to make the right choices today to reach their goals tomorrow. Contact Ria for more information on her coaching programs. To sign up for Ria’s mailing list and receive her complimentary leadership series CLICK HERE.
