I talked to a young lady yesterday. She wanted to interview me for a paper she was writing on the stigma of sexual abuse/assault. I had agreed to the interview, not realizing A) That she was a high-school student (not a grad student as I assumed) and B) That she chose the topic for her English paper based on the fact that she could relate to the subject.
As always, when I talk to someone else who has experienced sexual assault/abuse, my heart hurts. There isn’t anything to say really. It’s like meeting someone who has terminal cancer. Or, it’s like the young lady I met this afternoon who lost her father to suicide. “I’m sorry,” just doesn’t do justice to the depth of pain and emotion.
But, what else is there to say? The problem is that most of us don’t really know HOW to talk to someone who is going through something like that, especially if we haven’t experienced it ourselves. The loss of a spouse or a parent. PTSD. A terminal illness diagnosis. A car wreck that leaves one paralyzed. If we haven’t been there we can’t tell them “I know.” Because we don’t know. And, even if we do, it’s still difficult to find words that communicate our feelings. Most of us aren’t comfortable admitting our own pain or sharing someone else’s. It’s just too up close and personal to be comfortable. It’s too vulnerable. It’s too real. A reminder that life isn’t easy or perfect, and we all have scars from something.
In the interview yesterday, the best question (and the last, ironically) was, “What’s the best advice you could give to someone who has had a loved one experience sexual abuse or assault?”
It’s a question I find that I am asked often in those types of interviews – and it’s a good one because there are so many people who do care but don’t know how to express it.
My answer is actually the same answer I would give to someone who has a loved one going through ANYTHING. Whether they are going through the loss of a job, loss of a limb, or the loss of their self-worth, love them. Love on them. Give them a great big hug and let them know that you love them no matter what they are going through or what they have been through. Share your love with them and represent God’s love for them. The one thing I think we all need – is love. Because when we feel loved, we feel valued. We feel valuable. And, when we are hurting, we need that more than any nice, polite words of sympathy. We need to know someone cares.
But, you know what – don’t stop there. Leaders encourage others. They take on the responsibility of lifting up other people. Leaders love people, value people, and let them know they are valued. You can build influence and leadership simply by valuing other people and encouraging them. Even if they are going through a tough time or if they have made a mistake – leaders love them anyway. In the words of Truett Cathy, “How do you know if someone need encouragement? If they are breathing!”
Show everyone in your life that you love them and appreciate them. Whether they are going through a “tough” time or not, love them anyway. You often won’t even know it when someone is going through a tough time. Outwardly, they seem fine. Inwardly, they aren’t. Take time to show them they are special and unique – because they are.
