Note: This blog is an excerpt from my book, Beyond Bound and Broken. Look for part three in future articles or find part one here if you missed it!
Soon after publishing my book, Ria’s Story From Ashes To Beauty, I had a local book signing in my community. I was sitting at a table with a sign about my book, and of course, there were books for sale if someone wanted to purchase one. One man walked up and stopped briefly to read the sign before approaching the table.
“I just have one question for you,” he asked me, “Is he dead or in jail now? He deserves one or the other, and I know you won’t rest until he gets it.”
Shocked, I mumbled something about it wasn’t important at this point. I always think of great responses after the fact. But typically, I verbally stumble around when I’m surprised by a question or comment. The man moved on, leaving me with my thoughts.
His question assumed I still held hate in my heart towards my dad, and I don’t. I certainly wouldn’t wish harm on someone because I was wronged.
When we can’t offer forgiveness, it only poisons us. Forgiving someone does more for us than it does for them. If we continue to hold on to anger or hurt or resentment, we will be unable to find peace. The other person may not even realize it, and it only hurts us if we hold on to a wrong done. Even worse, sometimes we feel like we have a right to retribution when someone hurts us.
No one has a right to do wrong, regardless of whether someone has wronged him or her. You’ve heard the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” How sad it is when two people get divorced, and one person feeling wronged, seeks to make the other one pay for it, usually at the expense of the children they had together.
I talked about forgiveness in “Ria’s Story From Ashes To Beauty” from the perspective of how much it helps us when we forgive someone. That’s a large part of my message – how we can choose to forgive. Sharing my message to help others is why I shared my story to begin with. It’s not about seeking to hurt someone else because I was wronged – it’s about letting go and moving on. I received a message from a reader, and as always, I’m humbled when my words help someone in their own journey:
“Ria I just finished reading your book…. I will admit I had been hesitant to read it because of the things I knew from your past life.
I think you handled things beautifully and showing how you have forgiven so many people and moved beyond the horrible things that happened in your childhood… So what I got out of it was that there are things that have happened to me in the past year that I need to forgive and forget and move beyond and refocus my life back on promising positive things.
The most important part of the book is the paragraph, which says forgiving another person is part of our own personal growth journey. We must choose to move forward down the path rather than backwards. If there is something in your life you need to forgive, or if there is something you need to let go of in order to move on, and of course the answer is yes, and so that’s what I will be working on.”
None of us are perfect, certainly not me. There are times when, even inadvertently, we will hurt someone else, and we need forgiveness just as much as others do. The Bible says, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14)
The more someone loves you, the more power you have to hurt them, and the more forgiveness you will need from them when you do hurt them.
The more you love someone else, the more power they have to hurt you, and the more forgiveness you will need to extend them when they do hurt you.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. The other person might not even know or care if you forgive them, but the difference it makes in your life is everything. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It does mean letting go of the blame and the bitterness. Holding on to those negative feelings will only hurt you.
One more thing on forgiving someone else – you shouldn’t approach them and tell them you forgive them, unless they ask. Forgiving someone has everything to do with your feelings toward them and not their feelings toward you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences to whatever happened – it’s a choice to let go of the bitterness.
Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
Watch a 3 minute video of me sharing my story from the stage here. Or, check out my video blogs on Youtube. Video one of this series can be found here, or check out video two below.
[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhmsFJm8xiI[/embedyt]
